"Nordy the Halfling, (Nearly) Eaten by Bears."

Cat > Halfling...?

We are entering a new town.  Jhanniss, as a Drow, would most likely draw unwanted attention.  Therefore...

B: Jhanniss should put her hood up.

J: I'll just turn into a cat again, it's fine.

B: You'll be sitting on Nordy's head.

J: He's too small; I'll squish him!

B: He's a superstrong halfling, he'll be fine!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Jhanniss Has Opinions.

GM: You see a boy in plain vestments cleaning the church.

J: Your church has slaves?

B: *obviously flustered* He's--He's an, um...a page...an acolyte, I don't know what you'd call them.

J: Oh, a slave to your faith then.  Okay.

GM: ...Are you picking a fight again!?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

CSI: Wilderness

The party had been investigating a series of animal attacks.  They were searching for attack sites to get information.
GM: You come upon the site of an attack.

N: I guess it's time for me to go all CSI: Wilderness up here...

J: I'd like to help you investigate, as I'm a tree-hugging hippie and may have useful knowledge.

Jhanniss then rolled a 9.
J: Well, fuck.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Detecting Evil has its Perks...

J: When are you going to learn that you don't need to Detect Evil every ten feet?  There's nothing here!!

GM: It's not a bad idea--

J: What, like zombie hands are just gonna pop up and, "Well shit!"

B: Exactly!

Later....

GM: Sixty feet away from Bo, zombie hands surround you.

J: OH, COME ON!!!!!!

(it was a joke)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We Interrupt This Gaming Session...

During the game, Jhanniss' player noticed her door creaking open.  She turned, expecting to see her niece out of bed after hours.  Instead, there was her sister, gnawing on her door.  After a rather awkward pause....

Sister: This has been a test of the Zombie Apocalypse Alert System.

And with that, she left.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paging Mr LaForge...

The party is assisted in its search by a hunter...
GM: The hunter's name, by the way, is Geordi.

J: Is his last name LaForge?

GM: No, and no, he's not blind.

J: Aww.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sparkly Doggos?

J: Maybe we're dealing with a vampire that only eats animals?

N: So....the sparkly kind?

J: NO.

B: Maybe it's a dog vampire?

J: A...a dogpire?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAMMIT, MOON MOON

Nordy asks Geordi a few questions about the incidents...

N: What's the moon been doing during the attacks...?

*silence falls*

J: Wh--IT'S BEEN A MOON.  AS LONG AS IT'S NOT BEING MOON MOON, WE SHOULD BE FINE.

G: The...the moon's been the moon...?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This Post was Almost an In Memoriam

Nordy and Geordi had gone off to hunt the monster--essentially splitting the party.  They came across what appeared to be a Lycanthrope of some kind.  It was not going well.

GM: Nordy, you have 1 HP.

N: ...oh.

As Bo's player laughs out of character, Jhaniss's player blurts out:

K: Dude, you're SO toast.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tender, Loving Care...

Nordy managed to escape the battle, abandoning Geordi to the claws of the Lycanthrope, and collapsed in the shack which they had borrowed.  Jhanniss, with her Darkvision, can see that the poor thing is in bad shape.
J: I take out his bedroll and gently put the tiny, bloodied halfling in it...You okay, li'l buddy?

B: Poke him with your stick.

J: *proceeds to poke him with her quarterstaff*  Well....he's breathing...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry about the lack of posting the past week or so; the notes I took for the last game were lost, and I was hit with a nasty, nasty cold.  Tune in next week for more bizarre misadventures!

"When You Make a Fire, You're Giving a Tree a Viking Burial..."

Territory

We are using the Roll20 website to simulate a tabletop game.  The map can be drawn on to show locations, movement, etc.

GM: You can draw on the map, too.

Bo: (paladin) Stop drawing d*cks.

Jhaniss: (druid) He didn't-- ::d*ck appears:: HE DID.

GM: You can also DELETE what you drew, as well.

Nordy: (ranger) How do?

Jhaniss: Nordy, get your d*ck off the map.

Nordy: I was marking my territory!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Squishy Party

(Nordy the Ranger tries to split off from Bo.  Meanwhile, Jhaniss is upstairs searching rooms in an abandoned manor)

GM: Are you staying close?

K (Jhaniss OOC): DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY

N (Nordy OOC): Aren't you on the floors above us...?

K: DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY THAT'S NOT *SQUISHY!!!

*Jhaniss is basically a magical glass tank.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poop

Jhaniss: I'm going to search this rotten room, even though it's full of Drow poop.

N: Drow poop...?

K: KOBOLD POOP.

GM: What have YOU been up to?

K: I had a li'l accident....

B (Bo, OOC): Forget house training an animal companion--we have to house train the Drow!

K: SHATUP.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atmospheric

GM had started playing atmospheric music and sound effects, to make the scene more compelling.  Jhaniss had found a small, leather bound journal.  As she reads, I am scratching down notes.  As I'm writing...

B: Are..you writing notes...?

K: I'm taking notes, yes.

N: OH!  I thought it was a sound effect!!!

K: Unintentional atmosphere!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Violent Questions

Bo and Nordy had been charmed by a witch.  As Jhaniss explored the manor in which we resided, the enchantment slowly wore off.  They soon reunited...

Jhaniss: I see you're fine now, jerk.

Bo: Hey, I was fucking--'scuse me--charmed!

::Jhaniss whacks him with her quarterstaff::

Bo: YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING VIOLENT!  ....Is the halfling with us, or is he in a loot trance?

Nordy: I'm here!

Bo: Okay...and...why do you smell like ....kobold dung.

Jhaniss: DON'T.  ASK.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smashing!

The party discovered a locked box.  Bo attempted to use his broadsword as a crowbar, and then proceeded to attempt to smash it.  To no avail...

Jhaniss: Hmm....won't open....Halfling, do you have any lockpicks?

GM: That's racist.

Bo: Yeah, that's--

Jhaniss: YOU CALL ME DROW ALL THE TIME!!  ...Wait, wait.  I have a spell.  It's called Warp Wood.  It should work...

Bo: You let me smash my sword on this thing--TWICE--before telling me you had a SPELL??!

Jhaniss: I didn't want to snuff out your fire...!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Opposite World

Jhaniss has no strength.  Until tonight, she had a -1 modifier.  She was rolling zeroes.  ZEROES.  As of  tonight, she has a 0 modifier, so what she rolls is her roll.  Everyone gets a good laugh when she tries to do anything Strength related...
They found a locked room in the manor.  Bo and Nordy had attempted to get in, effectively thumping themselves against the door with no results...

Jhaniss: I'm gonna smash myself into the door to get in there.

Nordy: Yeah cause Bo and I didn't try it-- ::K rolls a 20:: HOLY SHIT OKAY

::excessive laughter erupts from everyone::

B: THIS IS OPPOSITE WORLD!

GM: Okay!  The door actually groans, but it doesn't completely budge.

K: Dammit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dark Vision

The witch is found in the locked room, after having made it inside.  She laughs, and the party hears a strange groaning noise....

Jhaniss: Can I see in the dark!? (Jhaniss, as a Drow, has Dark Vision)

GM: Because of the paladin's lamp, your dark vision isn't active.

Jhaniss:  Shit--Bo, put that light out!!!

Bo: NO!  We won't see!

Jhaniss: YOU'LL MANAGE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Innuendo

This was ongoing...

GM: Bo, the zombie shambles closer to you.

Bo: I keep banging the witch.

N: Word choice. WORD CHOICE.

GM: Isn't she a bit old for you...?

Later...

Bo: I hit on the zombie.

Nordy: What pick up lines are you using...?!

Still later...

Bo: I try to penetrate the zombie!

GM: ARE YOU TRYING TO DO THIS ON PURPOSE NOW!?!!!?!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Demonic Frittata

Upon defeating the witch, Nordy finds a large, leather tome on the witch's corpse.  

Bo: See?  Told you, it's a book of summoning demons and frittata.

Jhaniss: It's a Book of Shadows, AND a cookery book!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

International (mis)Adventures in Gaming!

This blog will document certain events in the online tabletop game that I am currently involved in.  We have quite the array: A Texan is the GM.  We have a cursing, drinking, Danish Paladin.  Our Ranger is a Norwegian Halfling (who has an obsession with hedgehogs).

And I am a WNY Drow Druid.


Together, we are exploring the land of Westeria, while completely bungling a number of events.

And so, our story begins...