Saturday, April 1, 2017

"When You Make a Fire, You're Giving a Tree a Viking Burial..."

Territory

We are using the Roll20 website to simulate a tabletop game.  The map can be drawn on to show locations, movement, etc.

GM: You can draw on the map, too.

Bo: (paladin) Stop drawing d*cks.

Jhaniss: (druid) He didn't-- ::d*ck appears:: HE DID.

GM: You can also DELETE what you drew, as well.

Nordy: (ranger) How do?

Jhaniss: Nordy, get your d*ck off the map.

Nordy: I was marking my territory!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Squishy Party

(Nordy the Ranger tries to split off from Bo.  Meanwhile, Jhaniss is upstairs searching rooms in an abandoned manor)

GM: Are you staying close?

K (Jhaniss OOC): DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY

N (Nordy OOC): Aren't you on the floors above us...?

K: DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY THAT'S NOT *SQUISHY!!!

*Jhaniss is basically a magical glass tank.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poop

Jhaniss: I'm going to search this rotten room, even though it's full of Drow poop.

N: Drow poop...?

K: KOBOLD POOP.

GM: What have YOU been up to?

K: I had a li'l accident....

B (Bo, OOC): Forget house training an animal companion--we have to house train the Drow!

K: SHATUP.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atmospheric

GM had started playing atmospheric music and sound effects, to make the scene more compelling.  Jhaniss had found a small, leather bound journal.  As she reads, I am scratching down notes.  As I'm writing...

B: Are..you writing notes...?

K: I'm taking notes, yes.

N: OH!  I thought it was a sound effect!!!

K: Unintentional atmosphere!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Violent Questions

Bo and Nordy had been charmed by a witch.  As Jhaniss explored the manor in which we resided, the enchantment slowly wore off.  They soon reunited...

Jhaniss: I see you're fine now, jerk.

Bo: Hey, I was fucking--'scuse me--charmed!

::Jhaniss whacks him with her quarterstaff::

Bo: YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING VIOLENT!  ....Is the halfling with us, or is he in a loot trance?

Nordy: I'm here!

Bo: Okay...and...why do you smell like ....kobold dung.

Jhaniss: DON'T.  ASK.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smashing!

The party discovered a locked box.  Bo attempted to use his broadsword as a crowbar, and then proceeded to attempt to smash it.  To no avail...

Jhaniss: Hmm....won't open....Halfling, do you have any lockpicks?

GM: That's racist.

Bo: Yeah, that's--

Jhaniss: YOU CALL ME DROW ALL THE TIME!!  ...Wait, wait.  I have a spell.  It's called Warp Wood.  It should work...

Bo: You let me smash my sword on this thing--TWICE--before telling me you had a SPELL??!

Jhaniss: I didn't want to snuff out your fire...!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Opposite World

Jhaniss has no strength.  Until tonight, she had a -1 modifier.  She was rolling zeroes.  ZEROES.  As of  tonight, she has a 0 modifier, so what she rolls is her roll.  Everyone gets a good laugh when she tries to do anything Strength related...
They found a locked room in the manor.  Bo and Nordy had attempted to get in, effectively thumping themselves against the door with no results...

Jhaniss: I'm gonna smash myself into the door to get in there.

Nordy: Yeah cause Bo and I didn't try it-- ::K rolls a 20:: HOLY SHIT OKAY

::excessive laughter erupts from everyone::

B: THIS IS OPPOSITE WORLD!

GM: Okay!  The door actually groans, but it doesn't completely budge.

K: Dammit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dark Vision

The witch is found in the locked room, after having made it inside.  She laughs, and the party hears a strange groaning noise....

Jhaniss: Can I see in the dark!? (Jhaniss, as a Drow, has Dark Vision)

GM: Because of the paladin's lamp, your dark vision isn't active.

Jhaniss:  Shit--Bo, put that light out!!!

Bo: NO!  We won't see!

Jhaniss: YOU'LL MANAGE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Innuendo

This was ongoing...

GM: Bo, the zombie shambles closer to you.

Bo: I keep banging the witch.

N: Word choice. WORD CHOICE.

GM: Isn't she a bit old for you...?

Later...

Bo: I hit on the zombie.

Nordy: What pick up lines are you using...?!

Still later...

Bo: I try to penetrate the zombie!

GM: ARE YOU TRYING TO DO THIS ON PURPOSE NOW!?!!!?!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Demonic Frittata

Upon defeating the witch, Nordy finds a large, leather tome on the witch's corpse.  

Bo: See?  Told you, it's a book of summoning demons and frittata.

Jhaniss: It's a Book of Shadows, AND a cookery book!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

No comments:

Post a Comment